so much money.

so much love.

so much time.

so much life.

<3 

I thank God for everything I haven been blessed with.

Wanna know the story of a failure? It’s the story of a girl who gave EVERYTHING just to fail. Of course the thing I’m most afraid of happening, happened. My biggest fear: failure. To dissapoint my mom. My mom gave everything for me, and I let her down in the worst way. I tried so hard. I studied. Always did my homework. Did what I could. And still cant even do anything right. I just wanna know why.. I trust You, God. I know whatever happens is in your hands, and for your Will. But why me? I’ve tried everything humanly possible. I have literally made myself sick from trying so hard. And for what? For NOTHING. My grandma is coming in town. All the way from Michigan. And I have to tell her how big of a failure I may be. That is the worst thing anyone could ask me to do. Tell my grandmother, who thinks the world of me at the moment, that her baby girl couldn’t graduate high school. I’m sorry I’m sick. I’m sorry I stayed home so much. I didn’t mean to dissapoint you. I never wanted this. I’m a failure. I’m so done with myself. I’m an idiot.

hey.. tumblr. yes. im awake. its late.. and im awake. funny how this happens every night. i need to start expecting it. tonight i have one thing stuck on my mind.. why not ME?

there are girls out there, who guys would die over. and these girls.. they dont deserve guys like this. they dont deserve them. i am crazy about this guy. i have been.. for so long. and that means NOTHING to him. because he feels too strongly about her. and i am not her. im not beautiful like her. im not skinny and tan like her. nothing about me compares to this girl. and its not FAIR.

i wanna hate her. trust me, i do. i just want to call her all sorts of names and talk myself up, stating things that im better than her at. but its not worth it. because i still dont compare to her. and i never will. and the thing is, its not like she is some angel. she hurt him. bad. and i have never hurt him. ever. the thought has actually never crossed my mind.. and YET i still dont compare to her.

just ONCE.. i wanna mean something like that to a guy. one day, i want a guy (that i actually feel something for) to be crazy about me, that no matter what i’ve done, what i’ve said, he’d still choose me over any other girl. i want that. just once. i want a guy to look me in my eyes, and make me feel like im a million bucks. like i am the most beautiful thing he has ever laid his eyes on. but.. because we’re in the real world.. and im just an average looking girl.. with below average everything else.. it’ll never happen. im just the girl you go to as a fall back. i am the backup plan. and i suppose that has to start being okay with me.

& if youre reading this.. cause odds are, you are. just out of curiosity; i want you to know this is all about you. i want you to know that i dont want you leading me on anymore. if you actually think im worth something, then good. show me. if you think i could ever compare to her, good. tell me. but if you cant ever see yourself happy with me, or if you cant see yourself loving me more than you love her, dont bother. let me know to stop. because i will. i will move on then and there, and still be your friend. because you had the guts to let me know, instead of playing the usual game.. and trying to string me along… as your backup plan. i am NOT a backup plan.. and even you know i deserve better than that. i deserve everything i just described earlier. and maybe even more. because its not like i’ve EVER done anything horrible to you. all i’ve done was wait around for you.. and you know that.

& with that off my chest.. goodnight.
“may tomorrow be a better day.”

IM DONE.

i havent been this angry in awhile.

thats all im going to say.

i need a break.
i need to get away from here.
& i need to NEVER COME BACK.

malloriexoxo asked: Whyyy did you delete your facebook? :( lol
I told Kim, but i was going to tell you CONGRATULATIONS on your American Idol experience:) I can't WAIT to see you on tv! you did amazing, and I love hearing your voice. gives me goosebumps every time :) KEEP SINGING <3

i just didnt want it anymoreeee. & thanks so much!

its not the real tv show, its the one in disney world. it wont be on tv :/

malloriexoxo asked: you should sing more :)

sing whaaaat?

Shawn: “Topanga went out with another guy last night. I’m sorry.”

Cory: “You know, we’re the only two guys in the world who still think there’s hope for me and Topanga, and you’re throwing in the towel?”

Shawn: “Yeah. I am.”

Cory: “Okay. Thank you.”

Shawn: “You okay?”

Cory: “Yeah, sure. It’s an interesting feeling, though.”

Shawn: “What? To know it’s over?”

Cory: “To be the only guy in the world who knows it’s not.”

so i recently read an amazing book my best friend got for me for christmas, and not to sound cheesy or anything, but it kinda changed my life. i was literally up until 4 AM finishing this book because i couldnt stop.

& in this book, i found the most amazing passage. about how she had the perfect kiss with the guy she’d never expected. and the guy she spent so long obsessing over, was actually not what she thought at all. and then i realized this is me, so often. when i start to like a guy, i fall.. face first. and now a days, there are no gentlemen in this world.. or atleast where i live. (Side Note: i plan on moving to England to find my gentlemen. thats where they are hiding.) so when i fall.. im never caught. i just fall and fall until i hit rock bottom.. alone. and thats what sucks the most. i build these guys up so high when i like them.. making it so easy when they tear me down. and trust me, they always do.

so when i found this passage, i fell in love with it. one day i will have this kiss. one day i will have this love. and im not going to just settle for a guy. i will wait. because i think it just might be worth it. (and btw, im not always this chessy. but this post is sadly extremely true.)

     “Im not with Rob,” I say quickly. “Not anymore.”
     “You’re not?” He’s staring at me so intensely I can see the stripes of gold alternating with the green in his eyes like spokes of a wheel.
     I shake my head.
    “That’s a good thing.” He’s still staring at me like that, like he’s the first and last person who will ever stare at me. “Because…” His voice trails off, and his eyes travel slowly down to my lips, and there’s so much heat roaring through my body I swear I’m going to pass out.
    “Because?” I prompt him, surprised I can still speak.
    “Because I’m sorry, but I cant help it, and I really need to kiss you right now.”
    He puts one hand behind my neck and pulls me toward him. And then we’re kissing. His lips are soft and leave mine tingling. I close my eyes, and in the darkness behind them I see beautiful blooming things, flowers spinning like snowflakes, and hummingbirds beating the same rhythm as my heart. I’m gone, lost, floating away into nothingness like I am in my dream, but this time it’s a good feeling- like soaring, like being totally free. His other hand pushes my hair from my face, and I can feel the impression of his fingers everywhere that they touch, and I think of stars streaking through the sky and leaving burning trails behind them, and in that moment- however long it lasts, seconds, minutes, days- while he’s saying my name into my mouth and I’m breathing into him, I realize this, right here, is the first and only time I’ve ever been kissed in my life.
     He pulls away too soon, still cupping my face. “Wow,” he says, out of breath. “Sorry. But wow.”
     “Yeah.” The word catches in my throat.
     We stay there like that, staring at each other, and for once I’m not feeling anxious or worried about what he’s thinking. I’m just happy, held in his eyes, buoyed up in a warm, bright place.
     “I really like you, Sam,” he says quietly. “I always have.”
     “I like you too.” Don’t worry about tomorrow. Don’t even think about it. I shut my eyes briefly, pushing away everything but this moment, his warm hands, those delicious green eyes, the lips.  

                   -Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver